G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA Review

This is a pretty awful movie, and I mean that. It’s pretty because some of the action sequences are actually intense and worth watching but awful because the VFX is about as weak and unreliable as X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Definitely falls under… the category of popcorn summer movie where you watch it just for fun but at the same time you can’t help but laugh at all the flaws that happen along the way. It’s explosive, fast-paced, and rock ‘em sock ‘em but it’s also too animated with disgustingly low quality acting. At least I don’t completely hate it.

From the Egyptian desert to deep below the polar ice caps, the elite G.I. JOE team uses the latest in next-generation spy and military equipment to fight the corrupt arms dealer Destro and the growing threat of the mysterious Cobra organization to prevent them from plunging the world into chaos. “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.” is directed by Stephen Sommers (“The Mummy,” “The Mummy Returns”).

This is a movie that could bank on having a mindblowing opening scene but instead Stephen Sommers chooses to present a fake historical background and a military meeting, not an exciting way to introduce a movie that afterward is all nothing but action. 3 people came up with the story and it took 3 more people to write the screenplay and yet they couldn’t make a storyline that’s not cliche?! Destroying the major cities using nanomite.. destroying the world has been the agenda of every villain since the dawn of Cinema. And may the fate of mankind be rescued from the wretched hands of this movie’s dialogue. I know that the PSA speeches in G.I. JOE cartoon were over the top but apparently the speeches in this movie took that style to heart. The last time a movie had lines that are this laughable was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Commando.

I gotta be frank, I’m a big fan of the first two Mummy movies and Van Helsing, not many people would like to agree with me on that, but this time, director Stephen Sommer has not only made the G.I. JOE that we didn’t grow up with, the G.I. JOE we don’t recognize but he has also turned them into a group of people we wouldn’t want to associate ourselves with. Except probably for Snake Eyes, and that’s because Ray Park is the most badass mothaf*in’ martial art SOB on the planet. I could watch that foolio jump over cars and swordfight until a more decent movie comes along.
By the way, Sommers brought back some of his Mummy friends, though it’s not clear who’s desperately asking who for the job.

Low quality acting, my goodness. Channing Tatum as Duke is a poster model because that’s all he’ll ever be good at. He’s not even trying to be in character. I’m reminded of the movie Zoolander where the joke was on Ben Stiller’s character having only one facial expression all the time in any situation, that’s how Tatum is in this movie. Of course, Marlon Wayans as Ripcord is the comic relief and he should be left alone doing that instead of being unnecessarily paired up romantically with Rachel Nichols who plays Scarlett. By the way, here comes a shallow moment…. Rachel Nichols and Sienna Miller are H-O-to the T. Obviously they’re recruited not for their acting skills. I can’t stand Dennis Quaid as General Hawk, he’s like a talking walking cardboard cutout, he’s more talented than that.
For the record, I hate the Cobra Commander’s mask, they’ve completely ruined that character and Joseph Gordon Levitt is the wrong choice for the role.

Filmmakers of summer movies should know by now that if you don’t acquire the talents at Industrial Light & Magic, what you get are half-ass jobs like X-Men Origins: Wolverine and G.I. JOE. It doesn’t take a genius to spot what I’d like to call fake particles of this movie, where the CG or the green screen FX just aren’t up to par. Like somebody forgot to tighten the screws or just plain lazy. Some of the action sequences and fight choreography are excellent, I enjoy how there’d be 4 fight scenes going on at the same time and each takes a fairly long time to finish and they fight on land, in air and water but every weak VFX element that attaches itself to those scenes makes you want to hold back your euphoria.

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